Monday, December 27, 2021

Quick Update

 A lot of you probably think I'm dead.

I'm not, but I'm also not 100% With my condition, I'll never be 100%, but I'm managing.

What I didn't account for was how spread out I was. I'm still finding people saying "are you alright?" when I pop up somewhere new, and that is on me. Mostly, I got back onto Discord and so there were about 300 people that knew I was back(ish) and not dead, but I didn't go through every single social media platform and tell everyone (or post about it on a blog...).

A lot of that was anxiety. If I didn't say anything to anyone, that would make it still not announced and I could continue to lurk and not have to interact or meet expectations.

That is unfair to you and disingenuous of me. My stay at the hospital was long and difficult, I am on new medications, and the answer to "are you alright?" is...complicated. I can no longer live my life how I had been, but the outcome is better than I had feared. A kind of middle ground. So I'm still around and kicking, but I don't think I'll be the crazy wonton woman I was before.

I mean, I still will be, just maybe not spend so much time on social media telling everyone about it.

All these crazy changes has affected my ability to write, which sucks. I have more time in the day - only working part time from home now - but concentrating on writing is more difficult and I have to do it in little sprints. For most of the year I truly believed I wouldn't be able to write any more.

Then I helped someone with an outline for their story. I helped another person with a copy of their book and even wrote out a sex scene for them to give them an example of how I'd write their characters having sex. I realized I still had capabilities, I just needed to adjust my expectations.

So I did, and at the advice of my therapist, I have started a new series Ai Love Therapy on Literotica (links at the bottom). It is random, completely pantsing it (which I do not do). The Irene sections are sort of a collaboration with another author and so if those seem radically different than the Ai sections, well, they are. Anyway, posting them has given me a new lease on writing and so I'm dumping them all on there and having little heart attacks watching those rating go up and down. I will probably keep posting stories there, but the direction and frequency of those posts will rely entirely on feedback from fans.

Speaking of feedback, I just finished opting out of the KU program on Amazon. Amazon has screwed me over and over again with censorship and I'm done. Depending on how many people clamor for books to be published, I may continue to offer collections of the Lit stuff on there, but that is entirely up in the air. I will be starting a Patreon or other subscription service and then just hope people like me enough to put a coin in my busking hat while I write smut. Not gonna lie, being honest with y'all, a lot of motivation is gonna be linked to those Lit ratings and eventual Patreon direct deposit.

Yes, I know there are other options for smuteers like myself, but Lit/Pat works for Annabelle, so I think as a fellow monster pussy purveyor, it'll work for me. Maybe I'll branch out to other systems, but that depends on how difficult it is to keep rights, how much censorship there is and how private they'll keep my information.

This is turning out a lot longer of a post than I intended. I really did mean to make it quick.

Anyway, here is the takeaway summary:

○ I am fine. I'm not "healed" and I am not in the same place I was, but I am also not dying (which was a possibility).

○ I have stopped KU services and will be moving to a Literotica and Subscription model soon.

○ I have a new series on Literotica (link below) and I'll be moving all my content onto there soon (including eventually Becoming Monsters books 1, 2 and 3).

○ Discord is basically the only social media I check or interact on regularly (link below).

So stand by. If you want to get a hold of me, you can still email me ailovestogrow at the google mail address, but Discord is easier. I'll be back on here when then subscription model is set up and I'll pass my hat around for loose change.

I love you all and I wish you all a Merry Christmas!

#ailovestogrow #literotica #screwyouamazon #imnotdead

Thursday, May 13, 2021

In Case I Don't See Ya...



Just a blanket sorry. There's a lot that has happened, that will happen and is happening. Rather than try and cover everything, I think an overarching apology is in order. To everyone. Casual fans, new fans, old fans, friends, rivals, acquaintances. Over my behavior, broken promises, things I have said or haven't said or will continue to not say.

I'm sorry.

At this point, there is a lot of ground to cover, so I'm going to try and give a short summary of, basically, ME: how I got here, what I wanted to do, what I did instead and the little bits in between. For you longtime followers, you can skip down a bit while I catch everyone else up. Plenty of this is covered in other posts, so if you want more details there is more detail in other posts. Believe it or not, I used to be pretty regular, so there is plenty of reading for those of you that like these kinds of details.

Umm...hi, I'm Ai Love. As this is where I write my erotica fiction, this me is allegorical and I hope you don't hold that against me. The few details I've given out include a degree in English, working for a number of years as an editor and then as a political journalist. I'm a patriotic citizen of the USA, I am happily married to my Spouse, I own a lot of guns and spend...spent...10-20 hours a week lifting weights. I like Nihon media in all its forms, I've watched too many movies and my written works are usually packed with obscure geekery.

I'm very sexually minded. I am bisexual in my perverted mind and as willing to masturbate to a pair of tits as I am to salivate over a hard cock. I wrote my book specifically to explore my own personal perversions and if you read between the lines, you'll see that hidden under all the jizz and lactate, I wrote something of an autobiography. I didn't mean to, it just worked out that way. I'd list all my likes and dislikes, but I would instead encourage you to read my book: it is all there.

I love to orgasm. I'd say I love it too much, never having gone more than a week without at least one and averaging between 10-20 orgasms a week since I was 12. After a few years of marriage, struggling to balance a job and a husband and sometimes locking myself away from reality and jilling myself into a frothing stupor, I checked myself into rehab and got the help I needed. Unfortunately, couldn't change biology, I'm too sensitive and mentally broken to ever truly kick the habit. My therapist suggested regulation, and for about 13 years I've been strict to limit myself while I lived a fairly normal life.

This might seem like an odd description of myself, but my obsession with sex is a defining trait and could even be considered a core attribute of my psyche. However, I am also deeply religious. "So what?" you might ask, but to me it is a conflict with not only my own personal morals, but more specifically with my friends, family and employer. Ergo, the main reason I am anon despite coming off as rather free with my sexuality here on the internet as Ai. This means that no matter what happens, I would literally rather die than be found out. My secret self is known only to 4 people and I am adamant in keeping it that way.

Which leads me to the conflict of who I am and who I present myself to be. Here (on the internet) I talk of my most intimate moments and crack jokes about twats and dicks. IRL, I am quiet, timid, silent to the point of rude and so anti-social that there are still coworkers that don't recognize me when they see me in a meeting. I'm not looking to change, I'm not even asking for acceptance because I know that I am screwed up. Instead, I hope for understanding.

Anyway, I've always tried to write and publish. I won't go into details, but I've started, shopped around and otherwise even self published hundreds of thousands of words of prose in a multitude of mediums in the last 25 years. There are many reasons for not getting it done, but the most persistent reason is I'm a perfectionist and am never satisfied with what I write. Also, I find I enjoy the process of world building and outlining more than I do the actual writing. I have hundreds of outlines with some of them having as much as 100k words of prose attached before I abandon a project and move to something else. This doesn't include the nearly 1 million words of journalistic work I've done in a period of about 10 years. I am a writer, I enjoy writing, yet the work I put the most effort into was Becoming Monsters.

I know that the reason I was able to finish this book was because of the smut. It drove me, and in a period of about 8 weeks I had the first draft finished. It wasn't very polished, but when I typed The End, I realized I had something I had never been able to do before. I spent a few more months working on it, tweaking it, having an old friend from college professionally edit it, then I put it out there onto Amazon.

Over the next few months, I refreshed that Amazon page 30 times a day. I watched for those reviews like a hawk and I practically lived off of them. The original cover wasn't anything to talk about, but it worked for me. I eventually got the stunning cover you see before you and my book started to take off.

...then I got dungeoned.

Dungeoned, as in Amazon blacklisted my erotica novel. They don't ban often unless a book breaks very specific rules, but they can prevent it from showing up in any of their search algorithms. I'll admit, I got pretty low then, but then I came up with what I think was a clever marketing technique. I made a censored version of Becoming Monsters and plugged that into Amazon's marketing system. I cheered, then got super stressed because it worked VERY well.

I've talked with other erotica authors, and success is based more on the number of works and those first few weeks of sales before working on the next release. Amazon turned erotica into micro fiction because that is how you survive in the world of censorship. So while I never reached sales levels like successful authors such as Cebelius, Brandon Varnell or William Arand, I was hitting numbers in my first year that erotica authors with 50+ published works and 10 years were hitting with their entire library. For my genre, I was wildly successful. Not quit-my-job successful, but in a few more years, the idea was possible.

Part of this success probably came because of my efforts to join into the world of social media. I started on GoodReads, realized I hated GR and the atmosphere there, did some stuff on Twitter, joined Parler when it was really taking off, until I found Discord and spent most of my time there. I'll be the first to admit this affected my ability to focus on writing, but I'm a shy person. I've never really had many friendships or social interaction with really anyone, ever. I played TTRPGs, I have people I'm friendly with, but aside from Spouse and Editor-kun, I had never really opened up with anyone. There is always a wall. Then I show up on social media and suddenly, the restraints are gone. I can tell people I like tits and digitally high five moments after I masturbate. My world opened up and I wanted to spend more and more time with all these wonderful people.

Sure, it was all anon and they will never actually meet me, but I found a group that would know ME, the person that I am, and I reveled in it.

All caught up? Ok.

What I haven't told many people is that I have problems. Specific, debilitating, psychological and physiological mental problems. Partially, my RL self is known for having some of these mental illnesses, so I keep it quiet. The other reason is I have a life philosophy I follow: everyone has problems. Why should I complain about my problems when others have just as many or even greater issues? Regardless, I have them and they are not minor. The problems are multiplied on top of each other and I take serious medications to function like a human being.

Late 2020, I went in for a checkup because I had trouble concentrating. This regular checkup included an MRI, CAT and CT scan with about 6 different blood tests (I have good insurance). It was determined that I was mentally deteriorating and I won't go into all the details, but suffice it to say I was told my current drugs won't be effective much longer and I was given 10 years.


It was decided I would switch to some new, stronger drugs and at one point last year I put a gun in my mouth. I would say I distinctly remember the taste of the metal, but if I am honest with myself and you all, it wasn't the first time I've put a gun in my mouth and thought about pulling the trigger. I still have the scars on my wrists from my attempt as a teenager. I already know what gun oil and steel tastes like. I didn't take it well. Some would say I'm still not taking it well, but at least at this point I think I've reached the Acceptance stage. I spent a lot of time on social media for the next six months because I needed friends more than I needed to finish Book 2 (which is really close, but I haven't touched it in months and I don't know if I have the drive to finish right now).

This should be the end of the story and I'd have Book 2 finished and everyone would be happy. Instead, starting around January, I started getting headaches. I'm not prone to migraines, but that doesn't mean I don't get throbbing pains in my head. I usually get them when I'm stressed, so I just grit my teeth and got back to work. Speaking of work, it got more intense and I was putting in more hours than my usual 50-60, so I had a lot of reason to blame my headaches on stress. Spouse and I had blocked out a vacation in June, 2 weeks of nothing but fun and sex. I was really looking forward to it and soldiered on.

Emotionally, I wasn't in the best place come January, as those who follow this blog know, but I wanted to ignore all the signs. See, I've been medicated since I was 20, so half my life I've been on one cocktail or another to keep my head on right. Those of you who take these kinds of drugs should already realize where I'm going with this and you would be right, I was in denial. The drugs were reacting badly, causing a reaction and that meant a few things I'm only now coming to grips with:

1) I needed to get off the drugs or they would kill me.
2) Once I got off the drugs, that ten year time limit would shrink very quickly.

I knew this in January, but I didn't want to do anything. I had run out of options. What was a little headache if it meant I could still function and think like a human being? The headaches got worse but I just popped some pills and kept going. I work out intensely, and anyone who does this kind of physical sculpting understands pain and can power through.

2 weeks ago I reached my breaking point. While driving back from work, it felt like a spike was driven through my head and I blacked out for a few seconds. I didn't wreck my car but I probably did something to the axel because I drifted into a sidewalk. I said I was fine but Spouse and I had a fight and I went to see the doctor. They scheduled an MRI. Until then, I was given some blessed drugs to dull the pain and took some sick time off of work.

((for those following, this wasn't a random physician, he was the chemist involved in my prescriptions. While there was some overlap with the drugs, he weighed that against the time I'd be taking the pain meds against determining if this was something like cancer or if it was related to my medications))

Since then I have been drifting in and out of a pain haze. I'm talking bedridden in a dark room and waiting until the pain gets so bad I pop the next pill. Then the pain fades and I have some relief to sleep or alleviate boredom on my laptop before the drugs react to the pain meds and I get dizzy and nauseous. Then the cycle starts up again. I've already been working on this blog post for 4 days and that's why it feels so disjointed.

Anyway, the MRI conclusively proved I didn't have cancer. At least, not an obvious tumor, still could have micro tumors or something. My doctor has advised I go completely off the drugs so they can find out if there is an alternative, but I need my system cleaned out first to get there. My condition is severe enough this means I will be under observation for a few months and after that...I'm not sure, but we are looking into hospice arrangements.

I'm telling everyone this because while I may or may not retain my sanity, those lapses could mean I would say the wrong thing or post the wrong thing at the wrong time. My fears and principles haven't changed, so to keep myself safe, I will be going dark. I might come back, I might not, but until I have a grip on myself and trust myself to stay safe and anon, I need to disappear.

I will have more time on my hands, so I will probably continue to write. Editor-kun recently got a lot of my old works and notes in a massive thumb drive, so even if something were to happen, he would be able to do something with them if he wanted.

I'm...I WAS sad. I've done my crying, screaming, all the things a person does when faced with something like this. I've had 20 years to come to grips and while I always thought I'd have more time, we all think that. I have a Spouse that loves me and while the last year and a half has been a marathon at work, I got some stock options so I'm no longer worried about money. Not many people get this kind of time to face their issues before something happens, so I count myself blessed. At this point I only wish I could have had a child, but I have nieces and nephews and that's enough.

And one last thing before I go: Amazon can screw itself! At the beginning of April they did something to their programming and shut down even more of their "problem authors". Not a whole lot, but one of the things they did was close the loophole I was using to advertise my censored book. My income from Becoming Monsters has dropped to a couple of bucks a month and if I published the second book today, I'd probably only make a fraction of what I made with my little roundabout marketing stunt with Book 1. If I wasn't so worried about me and my future, I'd pull it from Amazon and put it somewhere else, just to piss away Amazon getting any more money out of me.

I am trying really hard not to say goodbye. It could be that in a few months I'll be back and laughing at how doom and gloom I sound. When I started this journey I just wanted to write something that I would want to read because there was nothing else out there like Becoming Monsters. Then I made some friends and like a starving woman thrust into a buffet, I couldn't stop. I have met some truly wonderful people and my life has been brighter because of it. Thank you, I love you all.

Normally I'd say for you all to keep harmonizing, but while I think that joke is hilarious, it isn't what I truly want. I want everyone to keep laughing, loving and living!

PS: now that I have some time, I'll finally be able to sit down and read the rest of American Kitsune and TAP 2. Y'all should read them with me. Always a silver lining, right?

#ailovestolive #goodafternoon #goodevening #andgoodnight

Saturday, January 2, 2021

Lactation Update


Back from doctor, sitting in my car at the moment and letting the spouse drive.

The news isn't great.

For those of you who haven't been following, it was recently brought to my attention to try and manually induce lactation a few weeks ago from a friend. I got really excited, bought some expensive pumps, wanted to start that day. My Spouse - reasonably - convinced me to hold off and see my therapist and my doctor. I pouted, but it was the right call. Saw the therapist and the meeting wasn't a great one, but it wasn't a clam jam either. Just saw the doctor.

To be clear, my doctor was very reasonable and brought up points that I agree with. I've kind of known this was coming, but have been dreading the confirmation.

I talk about having mental problems, but I don't talk about all of them. Part of it is because I'm publicly known for some of these issues and keeping anon is still Rule #1. Honestly, a dedicated investigator with access to certain records could probably track me down, but I'm still going to try and be safe for as long as I can.

What this means is my medications are complex and they are treating problems I'm not mentioning. My daily drugs I take barely fit into one hand. Seeing the doctor today was a confirmation of something I suspected and already got from my therapist: my hormone balance is delicate and inducing lactation might be detrimental to my health.

He didn't say NOT to go ahead with it. His biggest concern is that my oxytocin levels are usually pretty high anyway and the other hormones being pulled into the milk might upset the balance my current drugs are giving me.

Worst case? I could fly into a manic episode (or something else I need to control) and that could lead to another suicide attempt. Just a few months ago I nearly got there just from a change in medications combined with stress. Depression and mania is about finding balance. Introducing something new means finding a new balance. I want to try lactating, but it could mean upsetting that balance and that could mean harming myself or losing my job or other things.

So he didn't say no, but he wanted me to wait for the current drugs to find a balance and then when I do it, to try it with regular blood tests and monitoring to make sure I don't lose it. Which my insurance won't cover.

Now I have to budget this idea if I want to move forward. I'm not feeling too hot, so I'll postpone any writing for a few days. I might be on here but I'm not sure, we'll see.

Mentally, I'm kind of in a state at the moment. I've been spending too much time on social media, need to limit to a certain time of day to do all this stuff and center myself. So, I'll still be on daily, but need to really cut back and maybe even get back to writing instead of spending time with my new friends. Sorry, but I'm going to also put #ailovestoorgasm on hold for now. Got it half written, but just not feeling it.

...sorry for not being a more dedicated author. Really wish I didn't have all these problems in the first place.

Keep harmonizing.

#ailovestogrow #johnnyhatesjazz #needcuddles #stupidhormones

Thursday, December 24, 2020

#AiLovesToOrgasm Session 7: Speakergasm


Straight out of the Howard Stern Show, inspired by an impressionable young girl who saw Private Parts in a discount theater and thought "that looks hot." I've tried it before, but just never tried it with something that has enough UMPH to get me completely there.

Until now.

I've actually been thinking about this for a while, yet was never able to get the perfect song I think that I wanted to climax to. I know that might sound a bit weird, but I wanted this to be an experience, not just a one-and-done. I like opera and thought that would be interesting, even earlier this year I timed my orgasm with Pavarotti's Nessun Dorma, and while I've had more intense Os, the experience left me shaking and I can't stop thinking how much it affected me overall, it was so satisfying.

I found the song, but I'll hold off on it so you can experience it with me. When I told the Spouse my idea about using one of the large stereos we have for our TV setup (we have a good sound system, the Spouse is a bit of an audiophile), he thought about it before saying that I needed something that I'd be able to feel in my teeth.

Which is when he pulled out his old amp setup for his bass.

Spouse used to play in a band. Nothing big time, just a hobby, and he hasn't performed in over a decade. But that speaker is intimidating and he said he could wire it to our computer so he could play anything on it. Problem was, we have neighbors and this was going to get loud.

That is why today, Christmas Eve, is going to be the perfect day. All our neighbors are gone, it is noon so even if someone hears the music it isn't at night and we can just say we were celebrating a bit loud if the cops come.

We're in our living room. A layer of sticky plastic is over the speaker and there are enough pillows around so I can get comfortable. I'm wearing a Christmas sweater showing a scene from Christmas Vacation and thigh-high red and green wool socks and we have a little heater pointed at me to keep me warm. My hips and twat are exposed and I've slathered on a bit of coconut oil in case of chaffing. We set a chair in front of the speaker so I'd have a place to put my hands or lean up against. I'm horny as all get out but I'm not wet yet, haven't even touched myself all day because I wanted to go into this dry and see how far it would take me. I'm also wearing my heavy duty sound suppression earmuffs I use at the gun range. It takes me a few minutes to straddle the speaker and get the pillows arranged so I'm comfortable, but I eventually give Spouse the thumbs up, practically giggling as I hop up and down on the amp in excitement.

I'm facing away from the computer and Spouse. We did this on purpose so I wouldn't know what he's doing, but we do have a camera set up to the chair so he can see me.

(No, never gonna release this as a video. Sorry, no pics, no vids, no audio are the rules)

I don't know what is on the playlist except for 2 songs: the song I want to climax during and then our "if I haven't cum yet, this will do it" emergency song, Shiroi Yama no Naka by Shakkazombie, sped up 1.5x speed and put on a loop until I'm foaming at the mouth. That scenario terrifies me, so I hope I cum before that.

Spouse knows me too well, he's starting me out with my favorite Mannheim Steamroller Christmas song, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.

"Oh my gosh!!" I cry out, though I'm sure not even Spouse with his headphones can hear me over how loud this music is blasting. I've ridden a sybian on full power and had my sexual body abused by every sort of vibrator I can name, but when those low, low piano notes hit up followed by the horn, I jerked my entire body straight up and had to grab onto the chair with a death grip. We have enough decibels pumping through me I can see our windows rattling across the room. It isn't just intense on my clit, I can feel it rattling up into my womb. My NIPPLES are tingling and Chip's drums haven't even gotten into the song yet.

Spouse has rigged up a program so he can control the sound levels in real time, watching me, I feel it when the volume eases higher and the bass absolutely DROPPED.

I was maybe a minute into this and I could already feel my vag sloshing onto the plastic. Well, what little I could feel down there, the vibrations were REALLY intense.

Even more than that, I love this song. I saw them in concert years ago (the only concert I've ever gone to) and when this song played, a giant video of a man riding a horse went with it. I've always had that video in my head when I hear this song. So here I am, grinding my pussy into a speaker playing a favorite song as my head has me riding bareback through the woods.

I've said it before, but these kinds of intense moments where I can get into a world of imagination and dream while I build towards orgasm, these are the most intense. My legs were really putting on the pressure into those pillows around the speaker, but as I rode through the forest as a princess racing to save her fairy lover, I was afraid my thunder thighs would crack the casing.

Spouse must have seen how much his magic music was affecting me, because he toned it down a bit as the song ended. The buzzing in my snatch when the music faded was a whole other level of intense and I was getting all kinds of sweaty under the pixelated design of Randy Quaid emptying his RV's septic. Pulled that sweater up and tossed it to the side, getting my girl muscles out in the cold(ish) air of the living room but now I'm only wearing the socks and I have to put the earmuffs back on because I forgot I was wearing them and I knocked them off. Another thumbs up for the Spouse (when I turned to look at him he was grinning like a fiend) and I'm ready to go.

Wizards In Winter by TSO.

Oh no.

"Ah! Oh! Oooooh!" I'm not capable of coherent words at this point, my mouth is locked open and nothing is coming out of me as I'm contracting my diaphragm down and pushing without any control, tightening my kegels as low guitar riffs burst into me like the spell of some erotic wizard. I knock the phone off because I'm gripping the chair so hard and thrashing a bit as my body strains closer and closer, the edge is really almost there...

The volume suddenly drops and the Spouse turns the song to the one I've been waiting for.

Hallelujah by Pentatonix.

While Spouse is letting me ease into it by slowly increasing the volume, that bass is on full blast and when the second "hallelujah" comes in with the chorus and those voices vibrate SO LOW...

...oh baby.

My entire body whipped forward as I absolutely screamed and came.

I'm not a professional singer, but I think I'm a little musical. I've sung in choirs and I enjoy singing to the songs I listen to. I'm usually in the alto range, but I can hit some higher notes if I'm warmed up.

Anyway, when I say I sang out, know that when I came and the air was thrust out of me in a rush, I still had enough of my mind together to sing out with them.


I've been to church, I've prayed, I've felt the Hand of God rest on my shoulder during the most trying time of my life and pull me back from the brink. Yet when I came and kept on cumming as these voices shouted praise to God, I felt my entire soul reach out and touch something divine.

When the song ended it was a wonder I was still on the stereo, the heater now way too hot on my flushed skin and parts of me still twitching as I came down.

Which is when my sick Spouse came up behind me and plugged in his bass, sitting on the floor in front of me with that stupid grin on his stupid face.

"Don't you dar..." I gasped out while giving him my best death glare under sweaty hair.

Spouse must have been practicing for months without telling me, because I'm the weeb and he's the normie. So when the opening riff from Porno Graffitti's Melissa ( ) started up and he actually started singing the lyrics in Japanese, I almost dropped this stupid game and jumped him right there. I mean it, Spouse has done some amazing things for me over the years, but just hearing him pluck those falling and climbing cords and sing one of my favorite songs...

I started crying. Oh, and orgasming again. He hadn't gotten past the first line when I was gripping the chair legs and holding my head up on the chair as the rest of me thrashed. I mean, he had that bass cranked and just...listen to the song, that hard low notes are all over the place. With the tears and the spots of white in my vision, I wasn't seeing much of anything.

It wasn't even so much of a feeling at this point - though this was even more intense and invasive than what came before - it was like I was having a lovegasm. My heart pounded so hard and my mind was just thinking of all the wonderful things this man has done for me and cared for me and I could feel all that inside as he played and sang just to me. It was like his fingers were plucking inside my womb and every vibrations reverbed straight into my most intimate parts.

A few minutes later, he apologized and helped me to the couch for some cuddles. He was apologizing for messing up the lyrics and forgetting the last half of the song, but I didn't care as I grabbed him and kissed him on the lips like I was sucking the breath out of is lungs. I was so happy, on cloud nine, I didn't want any of this to end.

Which, considering how nice he had been...

"Drop your pants," I said in a very firm voice.

He actually had the temerity to look surprised.

I growled at him. "You are about to get the blowjob of your life, and then I'm going to do it again, just to let you know how much I love you."

At that moment, Spouse stopped grinning and maybe he looked a bit scared. I figure the grin on my face and my impatient fingers tearing at his belt might have something to do with it.


Just got out of the shower, my legs still a little unsteady and my tummy full of warm cum, I'm wearing a robe and thinking I might take a nap soon before family stuff tonight. Or maybe I'll read. Whatever. Today was a great day and totally worth all the hassle putting it together.

Doesn't look like I got a review yet. REALLY don't want this to go to waste, so I'll hold off on posting it for now. Rereading it this was a big deal here and might even hold off on it until I get 50. Wooh! What a way to spend a Christmas Eve!

Keep harmonizing!

#ailovestogrow #ailovestoorgasm #hallelujah #spouseisthebest

Saturday, December 19, 2020

Discord And A Pirate Story

Someone invited me to join Discord. I might be spending too much time there because I found a group of perverts who are all in my same class of perversion.

On a tangent, I've met a lot of wonderful people while social mediaing to promote Becoming Monsters. Some are fans, some are fellow authors, some are just poeple interested in the girl talking about masturbating her twat.

...some send dick pics. I don't like those...

Anyway, a few of them have been authors of books I've read and enjoyed! I was invited to a Discord server hosted by Cebelius, the author of the Celestine Chronicles, a series I've read when his first book came out years ago. And he talked to me! Ceb is super nice and very open to talk about anything!

It was like watching some sportsball game for years and when you tell a professional athlete you play a little sportsball they sit down with you and talk about it, invite you to their house, play a couple of games with you.

I don't do pictures, but the whole experience has had me glowing like a fangirl for the past few weeks. I think Ceb might be one of the kindest people I have ever met.

You should all pause this to go buy his books. Even if you don't read them, support this guy because he deserves it.

On the upside, every time I join a new social media and put in the effort, I get a huge bump in sales. It will peeter off as I suck the media dry of fans curious enough about the weird girl to try the monster smut, but I'm like a locust swarming through social media and soon enough, the amount of time I'm putting in will not be enough to justify the returns I'm getting back.

But I'm addicted.

I don't talk about my perversions with ANYONE IRL. I talk to EVERYONE on social media about them. I'm getting seriously addicted to social media where I'm getting shakes if I don't check it in a few hours.

I've gone through addiction, I know the signs. I saw it destroy family members. I've seen it almost destroy ME!

So I need to back off, put up boundaries, give myself limits. Can't cut myself off, networking is how authors make money. But every time I dip back in, I check my KDP and there it is, evidence that it actually WORKS!

AARGH!! Why can't life be easy?!


Sorry, had a bit of a moment there. I'm back, totally fine, nothing to see here.

On another note, this week I've been working on a short story because the wonderful, beautiful and amazingly talented Felicia Skye ( @EroticMorsel on Twit ) interviewed me and then asked if I could provide a short example of the kind of stories I write and the kinks that are in them.

2000 word outline, currently 9000 words into it, due date is next week, still have another few thousand words before I'm done...

MIGHT have over blown this whole thing out of proportion.

While it seems like a lot of work - and it is - I feel like I needed it. Writing like this, from the hip, has really gotten my dried up juices flowing again and I find myself excited to get back to my own story. Still got a bit to go, then maybe at least run it through Grammarly to avoid any major mistakes, it is going to be rough and rushed, but it will be DONE. That sense of completion is what I need and then Book 2 is practically going to write itself!

I hope.

Finally, to explain the title and the picture, the story is about a pirate ship womanned entirely by former prostitute women. It is a high seas adventure in a made up fantasy world and all my usual kinks will be there because that is the point of the story. I even had the Discord group give me names and what type of monster girls they transform into so most of the characters were not originally made by me.

Expect to see a link to the finished story sometime next week on my social media and I'll probably link it again next week here.

Here's a small taste to get you perverts hungry for the main event later.


“I know ya want eighty, but I ken’t give ya eighty. I ken give ya sixty.”

Mordicia Bluestein was not a pleasant man to look at. Well, male specimen. Massive jowls from eating good food and not leaving his tiny, cluttered desk all day, the worst part about him that Jyne couldn’t stand was the flop sweat. He had a condition, he told everyone, even now mopping his bad combover and then wringing out a solid stream of rancid ogre fluid into a bucket next to him. His pebbly gray skin had the toughness to stop a cannonball at close range, but it looked soft and flabby in the doublet and hose he wore to make him appear professional.

“We agreed on eighty,” Jyne insisted, leaning over the desk and glaring up at the ogre’s yellow eyes with her one good green one. “You TOLD me it would be eighty when I left port three days ago. I’m not leaving here until I get my eighty.”

“Threaten me all ya want, Jyne,” the ogre said without malice but also without caring. “I’m da only fence left in Olgutra Port that’ll work wid ya. Yer haul will have me barey makin’ rent. ” The meaty three-finger paw the size of Jyne’s head clunked down a leather purse that was clearly not large enough for the agreed eighty bars of gold. “Sixty.”

Jyne Argon’s eye hole itched underneath her black patch. The missing optical orbit in her head didn’t bother her as much these last three years, but when she got irritated, she wanted to rip the cloth off her head and dig her fingers inside her skull to relieve an itch that could never be reached. Instead, those that knew her only saw a scowl that turned her pouty lips into a sneer worthy of a pirate captain.

“I’m going to find another fence, Mord, even if I have to sail to the Eastern Potentate,” Jyne whispered through grit teeth, slapping her hand down and taking the gold. “I’ve got a big score next, and you just lost it. Savvy?”

“Yer done, Jyne, you an’ yer wenches.” The massive ogre reached down and pulled out his pen, dipping it in the ink and looking like he was already forgetting the stunning and furious woman in his office. “When ya robbed the Saintly Bounty, ya pissed off the King. They’re coming fer ye.”

Wanting to get in the last word with all her furious soul, Jyne beat that reflex down and turned to leave with a bit of dignity. She did slam the door, though.


Love all y'all and hope to get back to my fightin' self really soon!

Keep harmonizing!

#ailovestogrow #shorterotica #discord #cebissocool

Saturday, December 12, 2020

Micro-Fiction Showcase 1


I'm thinking today will be a little different. I kinda got into writing a whole bunch of micro-fictions on social media and thought why not put them all here? Cool.

Later today I'm going to sit down and start back into the process of getting Book 2 done. Gonna begin with a light rereading to get stuff back in my head then I'll probably put down a few thousand words. Wish me luck! The micro-fiction was a way of getting my writing muscles flexed again and I think I'm ready.

There is no rhyme or reason to these. The first one was started with a random conversation with @SirJoshuagrego1 on Twatter and it just kind of grew from there. Some are based on random pictures I've found, some on fans requesting I do certain topics. I AM seeing a theme of perverted sex and monster pregnancy, but that is just me. I hope I don't become like Patrick Stewart's story pitch on Extras where he just keeps repeating the same thing over and over again, but it might: I know what I like.

Anyway, got a bunch of them, then I'll write a new one at the end for kicks and giggles. Enjoy!


"Get inside!" Juniper shouts, calling upon her goddess to smite the horde of orcflesh trying to claw their way through the defenses.

"I..." I stutter, wounded and weary from the war to save the Light Kingdom from destruction.

"Never mind that, get out of that armor." Juniper was already throwing the bar back over the door and slumping against the hard wood as the mindless creatures banged relentlessly. "I have three girls that need orgasms if they are going to have the divine energy to keep the barrier up, and you're next."

"Wha?" I ask, shrinking away. "But I'm...I'm..."

"Girl's can lick pussy as well as guys," Juniper insisted, grabbing me by the collar and marching me towards the back and a frantic orgy. "We need all the orgasms we can get if we are going to win this war."


It had been centuries since the giant goddess Peniope transformed into the mountain lewding before him, but nothing was going to stop Hector.

"This is what I've trained for," Hector mumbled, still days away from his ascent and already dreading the hard erection he'd be sporting the entire journey. "This is my destiny."

Walking forward resolutely (if a bit awkwardly), Prince Hector knew that if he wanted to fulfill the prophesy and save the world, he'd need all the royal cum his balls could produce. Because no matter the peril, no matter the danger, no matter how powerful those kegels were going to be, Hector was going to cum inside that goddess until she climaxed.

"I should have brought a horse," Hector grumbled, not for the first time.


When the aliens came to earth, we feared the worst.

When they explained they were dying out and needed females to repopulate their species, most of us recoiled in horror.

MOST of us.

"And do you, Xplorgle, take this Bethany Smith, to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

[I do.] Xplorgle said through his translator, the fifteen foot tall mass of writhing slime and yellow tentacles unable to keep an excited squirm out as he looked down with his six eyestalks to Bethany, standing nervously in her white wedding dress.

It wasn't ideal, I'd be the first to agree. I think becoming Mrs. Bethany Xplorgle wasn't what my parents had in mind for me, but I didn't care.

I had a brain tumor and would have only lived for another three months.

Now, five tentacles pumping viscous green cum into my every orifice, I could feel it, my body changing just like the aliens promised.

Tomorrow, pregnant, I would be so much more!


When Santa came, it was inside his whore army of elves. Old Saint Nick was breeding a yuletide horde, and the world would soon fall.

Only the twisted and forgotten monster of Christmas Past, Krampus, could save us from this future of endless winter.

"Aaah AAAH!!" Jamie screamed, cumming even as she felt the barbs of his hard cock pull out, black as coal cum dribbling out between her legs.

"ANOTHER," growled the unholy voice of a chorus of throats, the shadows hiding the immense figure that was part goat, part demon, its prehensile cock the stuff of nightmares.

The next girl, Karin, stepped up and removed her robe. She was scared, looking down at the swelling stomach of Jamie as the monster inside grew and grew, the other woman already large enough to have a full grown man inside her and still getting larger.

Karin knew intimately the birthing that would come next. As she knelt down on the ground, she prepared herself for her 12th session.


Dragons used to be the terrors of the known world, destroying all cities seemingly at random.

Once alchemists found out how to thaumatically control a dragon's mind remotely, the destruction became even worse.

"Blue Wing 4, Blue Wing 4! You've got a Class M Drake on your tail!" I shouted across the room even as my left eye kept me connected to the battle through Vornazx. "Are you listening to me, Blossom? Pull up!"

"I hear ya, Wing Leader! I...I...Aaaah!"

"Tiamat's Tits!" I swore as the alchemical potions caused Blossom to orgasm and loose her connection to Phurn.

This battle was going on too long and I was only a dripping squirt away from loosing Vornazx as I ducked into a steep dive through the fire and flame, claws out to grapple a pair of wyverns even as my back heated up from some unseen breath attack.

"Just...a little...longer..." I strained through grit teeth as my pussy's contractions told me I was seconds from losing my connection.


“Am I...what am I?” Mogami asked, flashing back to the horror she was sure was her death. The blood, the screaming...all so real.


“You are dead.” seated across the study said. “You are now one of the Nure (濡) and a member of my clan.”


“You’re...clan? What is happening?!” Before Mogami did anything rational, when her bra broke and her breasts swelled outward like water balloons, Mogami’s sense of propriety overloaded fear.

“This is perfectly normal.” Was there amusement in his rough tones?


“NORMAL?!” Mogami desperately held onto her thin blouse as the fabric reached its limit and frayed at the seams.

“Of course. As a newly risen Naru, your body is hungry. This hunger will expand your body the more you go without food. It is how you will survive.” The man stood up and Mogami realized his yukata hid a bare groin and waist, his cock larger than a horse’s engorging itself longer and thicker.

“Time to feed.”


"Hahaha, now you shall meet your doom!"

Dr. Madness was shouting something outside the gym. Blah blah blah. I didn't even know which hero he was fighting, though it could have been any of the Lakeside Champions. I didn't care. All I knew was I'd been waiting to use the pelvic thrust machine for fifteen minutes and if that muscle head wanted to finally get off so he could watch the super fight, it was fine by me.

"5...6..." I could feel the burn start in my glutes and it was a glorious feeling.


"No, stop you fiend!"

"He's released some kind of gas!"

"9...10...can all those cape fanturds shut up? I'm working out here!"

"What's happening to mmeeeEEEEE!?"

"We need to clear this place out!"

"Hahaha! Try dealing with a city of monsters, hero!"

These reps were getting easier and easier, I must really be in the zone! In no time it felt like I didn't even have any weight on, though the belt for the machine was digging into my abdomen pretty tight. When I tried to unbuckle it I just ripped the strap apart.

"Cheap Asian crap," I sighed, walking over to the free weights for some squats. My sports bra was really feeling tight and I swore I could hear some stitches popping. "Need to lay off the twinkies, this clothing is not fitting right at the moment."

Racking my usual amount, I decide today was going to be a good day so I slipped on another twenty to each side before lifting the bar off the guards and moving forward. Some more ripping and I quickly glanced around to make sure no one was going to see my cheap workout clothing tear from my snacking, but there was no one else around.

"Whoa," I said, a little vertigo hitting me as it felt like the gym was shrinking around me. I tipped forward and nearly dropped the bar on my shoulders as I looked down and noticed for the first time that something might not be right.

My skin was green. And scaled.


I noticed this because my tits had grown to become as large as two bean bags and completely exploded out of my sports bra, their emerald scales like the small and softness of an iguana as my nipples smashed into the wall 5 feet in front of me and punched holes through the plaster.

Now I dropped the bar as I glanced at hands that were now reptilian claws and my shorts disintegrated off of me as a thick and ridged tail curled around from my back and in front of me.

"This is not normal." I should have been panicking, but my emotions were becoming colder, like everything was changing into a reptile. Or, as wings sprouted out of my back and a hot fire burned in my throat and my face elongated and my mouth filled with fangs, changing into a dragon.

"I need to see this." My voice had turned into a growl as my head shot into the air and my neck stretched out. I turned around to find some mirrors but I suddenly realized there was a problem as my growing had my shoulders hitting the ceiling and I became acutely aware that in the next couple of seconds, I was not going to fit inside this building.

"Hope they have super insurance," I said with a colossal laugh as the structure of the gym gave way and more screaming from all around the city reached my ears.


And that's all for now! This has been fun, but it has definitely put me in the mood to get my own book moving again. See you on the social medias!

Keep harmonizing!

#ailovestogrow #microfiction #backinthesaddle #hidiscordpeeps

Friday, December 4, 2020

#AiLovesToOrgasm Session 6: Sick In The Shower


I’m sick enough I should know better, I’m horny enough not to care. Already got one massive deluge of a squirting orgasm in while I was too sick to get out of bed, might as well make the most of this one.

#AiLovesToOrgasm is back on the menu! Thanks to Jason Plaisance and with a small assist from Rob Brandt over at Goodreads.

Hilariously, my first attempt has led to me jilling myself and then falling asleep BEFORE orgasm! Now even my weak and fevered body is clam jammin’ me! Gonna regroup and try again tomorrow.

—The Next Day—

Ok, wasn’t expecting to start the day off with the peegasm. Who would? You perverts might be thinking because I squirt that means I’m cool with urine, but let me tell you I AM NOT!! Femjaculate is different than tinkle - smells different, looks different, how it feels coming out is different - so my bit of golden shower earlier shouldn’t tell you how deviant I am, it should tell you how completely I succumbed to my addiction. I was utterly ick afterward and the shower was extra long to wash the shame away.

Spent most of the day feeling (physically) better. However, no matter how much I have been improving physically, the day did start off badly from an unbalanced mental state and it doesn’t take much to tip a manic like me towards depression.

What? Not all of my orgasms are rainbows and lollipops: sometimes I masturbate when I’m sad.

Back on target. My toys are still banned and I haven’t worked out in days. My boss saved me from a complete doom spiral and let me do some work from home (that’s right, the highlight of my day was getting to work again, which is depressing in and of itself). I feel fat and weak and I don’t like these feelings so when night rolled around I decided to take another shower.

Our Master Shower is a jet bath shower combo. It sounds fancy but it’s nothing special. What we do have is a head/wand combo the spouse installed, a large water heater and really good water pressure. I can boil myself alive in that shower for around 45 minutes before the water starts turning warm instead of hot.

Before stepping into the show I strip and give myself a look over in the mirror. Sometimes I like to flex off and check my groups, watch those veins pop. Other times, like today, it’s just a reminder of what I’m not or what I dislike. I don’t look long but in my mind I’m imagining some doughy 300 lb couch potato and I want to be done with sick so I can work out again.

The shower is steaming the room now so I step in. And for the first ten minutes, I do normal shower stuff. I think some people do their masturbation first then rinse from the shower, but I like to be clean before I get dirty, just a thing. I do keep an active finger moving down there to get the nub out of the hood, maybe take a little longer with the soap to run my hands all over.

I like my showers scalding hot, so I’m flush for more than one reason as I turn the temperature down slightly and take the wand as I lay back in the tub. This wand is a testament to American engineering with all the fancy settings and modes. I’m in no mood to dawdle, though, so I turn it to Hard Pulse then stick it between my legs.


I have a lot of labia minora. For you guys who didn't take an anatomy class in college, that's the flappy skin parts on a girl's twat that make y'all think of an Arby's sandwich. My girl flower is a whole bouquette and while there is plenty about my body I don't like, this is one of the few parts I've actually thought about having elective surgery on. I just have too much. 


The jet stream flaps my lips around like two mud fish and pounds my girly bits with a bit of sting and heat that is quickly pushing me towards what I need.

"Ooooh, ooooooooouuummmm!"

The pulses are strong and soon I'm hitching my legs up onto the wall tiles so I can stretch my entire body out, rain from the overhead shower hitting my chest as the wand feels like a whole group of dwarves pounding me with their water hammers to mine the orgasm straight out of me. I'm really shoving the wand close, mostly for the clitoral action but enough of the stream is angling up inside me I am imagining a steady stream of hot cum filling me up while my I feel an orgasm building just from the tenderness of my labia and...and...

...I can almost reach it, pushing, straining...almost...I needneedNEED...

I burst into tears as I buck and drop the wand, climaxing finally even as the water is starting to get warm. My other hands tries to get more action out of me by going to the clit but I'm shaking too hard and I just curl up in the bath and bawl my heart out as my muscles slowly regain control of themselves and the water gets colder.

I orgasmed and it felt great, but this isn't the first time I've cried during an orgasm. The emotions that go through my head are very STRONG when I cum, sometimes those emotions bleed over, a wire gets crossed, something. I wouldn't say I was sad I orgasmed, the orgasm felt great, but the emotions that come out of me aren't always what I expect and it all gets jumbled together.

I eventually cleaned myself up and finished before the water turned into something arctic. I tried to finish writing this last night but while typing it in bed I fell asleep (stupid rona!). So here I am getting it done quickly before doing more telecommuting work from home. Hope you enjoyed this, even if sometimes honesty isn't as sexy as a sybian. Let's see if I can get back on the saddle sometime next week.

Keep harmonizing!

#ailovestoorgasm #notallorgasms #showerscene #stillsick












Quick Update

 A lot of you probably think I'm dead. I'm not, but I'm also not 100% With my condition, I'll never be 100%, but I'm man...